Skip to content

Posts tagged ‘grandmother’

Supporting my Non-Breastfeeding Daughter-In-Law … Part II

Why is that some of the common childhood bumps, bruises or injuries have to happen for the first time when I’M in charge of the baby?? I swear…seriously.. I was right there! Please believe me! 😕

"The perfect Grandmother keeps the infant safe at all times and goes on daily outings..."


This is a continuation of Supporting my Non-Breastfeeding Daughter-In-law Part I

Let me back up a minute. I have been going down to Dave and Sadie’s regularly for help with babysitting my grandson Tommy. I was getting good at being just a grandma and not a nurse. He was growing pretty well even though we all had to put a lot of effort into getting adequate calories into the boy! He was long and lanky. A skinny lightweight. Both his parents are very tall so it may partially be just genetics. He had outgrown some of his feeding issues as he merged into toddler-hood. Then he turned into a finicky picky eater. Through out all this time, Sadie and I were feeling really comfortable with our relationship. At least I know I felt good about it and she told me she did also. We had developed a respect for one another.  She had been relying on me to come and help out from time to time.  I was always so happy to oblige so that I could see Tommy and enjoy some time with him. I remained respectful of how she wished his day should go for example, managing nap-time, playtime outside, meals and how to handle unwanted behavior. She didn’t have a lot of rules at all…just certain things she asked me if I could do to maintain consistency. No Problem. I know she appreciated it. Sometimes my son would call me to tell me that Sadie said I had done a really good job with the baby that day etc..  🙂

Tommy started talking! He mixed some letters in the beginning and came up with my name. Instead of “Grama”… it came out “Manga”! We all loved it and it stuck. Now I am forever… Manga! It is so delightful when when you are recognized and greeted with an excited little voice! And even more delightful when that sweet little boy calls you his own special name! We played lots of different things and I was having a blast!

One day as we were march-dancing to a little song in the living room clapping toys together, I sat down on the couch, getting tired, and Tommy came running towards me, dropped his toy, immediately tripped over said toy– flying face first into the coffee table! Oouch! He hit just under his right eye! He didn’t break the skin and his eye was fine. But darn it! He got hurt 😦  This was the FIRST face bump he had! One time he had bump on the back of his head from falling over a few weeks back and I had overheard Sadie telling one of her friends about it then saying “It did NOT happen while in my care, let me assure you!” I think my son was playing with him at the time. So needless to say, I was a little anxious to let her know what had happened but of course I had to tell her right away. I called her and explained what happened, how he was and that he was letting me hold ice on it while I had a video going and he was having milk. I KNOW she was upset…. what mommy wouldn’t be when something like that happens to their baby when you are at work. She was very good about it, asked me if I could take a picture for her and send it so I did.  Everything was OK… Tommy actually got his fair share of bruises and bumps!

The next one involving me was pretty upsetting. We were at my house, Tommy was in the high chair, his parents just left for dinner. I cleaned Tommy up and got him down. He ran past the sink where my husband was making the dogs dinner (Tommy had been playing with our Chocolate Lab all day) and the dog turned and snapped at Tommy as he went by!  That sweet little angel boy just sat on the floor stunned and didn’t even cry till I picked him up~ horrified~ and left the room to examine him. He had welts of dog teeth around his tender little calf. No broken skin!    Oh.My.God. This. Did. Not. Just….Happen!! Ice, snuggles with Manga, milk, favorite video and phone call to mommy again. They were both very upset but realized it was all an accident.  It was completely gone in a few days. Still. That was beyond sucky. 😕
I think part of learning as you go…as a parent helps you to de-sensitize yourself to some issues or things that you originally thought were such a big priority. You begin to accept some things as they are and not expect that you can have control over all the little things. This may have been what happened to Sadie. I saw her relax on things about which she had previously been so firm. I didn’t tell her I saw this transformation but it was there.

Sadie got pregnant again on their first month of trying!! They told me when we were out to dinner. I saw my son get up and move a lamp above my head saying the light was in his eyes, He sat back down again and said “I don’t think we’re going to make it up for Thanksgiving this year, mom.” “Why?” …I said (That was the one holiday they ALWAYS spent with my family…..) Dave says nonchalantly: “Because- it will interfere with Sadie’s due date.” I jumped up so excited!! (glad he wisely moved that lamp) then they said… “You are the first to find out Manga… we didn’t even tell Sadie’s parents yet!” I felt so honored!!  YAY!

Because I had previously been admonished for saying things in a way which I had felt was “just being  myself” and I obviously crossed the line, I wanted to be especially careful and respectful. There was always an underlying fear for me that I would screw up. I didn’t ask or talk about anything medical. I had learned how to just be a supportive Manga. Life went on, I was babysitting frequently and Sadie was already in to the second trimester.

“I want to make sure I get breastfeeding right this time.” Sadie said to me out of the blue while I was having breakfast with her one morning. “I’ve been reading about it and I want to do a lot of things differently. I don’t want all those people in the hospital. I just want it to be me and Dave and the baby.”  (I was quiet, letting her talk)    “I was really depressed after Tommy was born and I had tried to pump but not really very much so I never had much milk… I was reading you need to pump a lot” ( I felt so bad I didn’t know she had been depressed! She hid so much from me then…I should have seen it!)    Of course I was so happy to hear her say this on her own….  😀      In order to be most supportive, I needed to find out what her wishes and goals were… so that’s what I asked.  Then Sadie replied: “I want the baby to get all breastmilk for as long as possible.. I don’t care if the baby feeds from me or if it’s pumped milk.”… she continued… “I’m kind of afraid that I might not like it….  and I might want to see how much the baby drinks every time after what we went through with Tommy. What do you think?”

I said” You are an amazing woman! Anything you’ve ever put your mind to seems to be what happens! You should be able to do things however you like. I am so sorry you were depressed last time, that must have been so very difficult! (Pause for Hug) I will help you anyway I can if you want.” Sadie said she did want some help figuring out a good book to read and some info on pumping. I was totally happy! It wasn’t so much that Sadie had expressed her interest in breastfeeding (which of course I was over the moon happy about…) but more that she wanted to talk to me about things and wanted my guidance! I felt like we had really reached a milestone!

Once I got back home I got the PERFECT book ready to send her! “Breastfeeding with Comfort and Joy” by Laura Keegan. I had met Laura online and we struck up an immediate friendship. She has the best approach to showing moms how to really have a very comfortable and enjoyable breastfeeding relationship. I have used this book as a teaching aid at work to help moms really visualize what we are discussing. I find it invaluable. Sadie got the book in the mail and read it twice through! She loved it! She started asking me questions a few times a week… referring to the book and looking past her immediate goals to future issues and asking about that! For the first time, after her mother’s negative experience, her own bad experience to the point where she just gave up even trying…. She was now seeing breastfeeding in all it’s beauty! I thank Laura Keegan for this fabulous book! Helping to gently open the eyes of a young women and empower her!

After more discussion, and checking Sadie’s wish list, I decided I would also buy her a high quality pump. She had checked with her hospital to see what they had there and it made sense to stay with the same kind. I got her an Almeda Purely Yours Ultra. We had a little breastfeeding class and pumping info class on a Sunday afternoon. She had Dave set up a little pumping station in their bedroom. All the while, I really only gave her info she asked about, the basics of milk productions and the importance of skin to skin and self attachment. I went into detail on what she wanted and highlighted things that were important for good understanding and good overall management.

Sadie went into labor again at about 38 weeks. My job was to stay at the house with Tommy. I left work early and got down there just after he went to bed. There was a babysitter there who then left and I was all alone…. waiting to hear.  Finally I got a text and a photo… Another boy!! Joseph or “Joey”. The text was from Dave and said “he’s never left Sadie except to get weighed and he’s been nursing a lot already, mom!” I was so happy for them! The next day, Sadie’s dad came to stay with Tommy so I could go over to see the new little family. The plan was for a quick little visit so I didn’t interrupt their alone time. Sadie called then and asked where I was, how far away because the baby was ready to eat and she want me to see if it looked alright. (The surprises kept coming.. I was really honored once again..) I got into the room as she was preparing to feed. She seemed so confident as she positioned herself and Joey. He opened wide and self attached beautifully with a big deep mouthful of breast! Sadie looked blissfully happy, had no pain and was experiencing the positive signs of hormonal surge. Joey began to have a rhythmic deep sucking pattern with audible swallowing. I was able to point out all these positive things to both of them. Like a well rehearsed play, it was as if the perfect script had been well acted!  I would not have believed it could have gone THIS well for them if I didn’t see it myself!! I thought I was going to leave then and she asked if I could stay and help her with the pump to make sure she knew what she was doing with that in case she needed it later… She wanted to pump anytime Joey was not feeding well. He was a great nurser but she pumped anyway so she had an excellent supply!

To get to this point has been a fabulous journey of learning more about myself and learning more about how to be the best support to other moms in my care. Sadie went on to nurse Joey or feed him pumped breast milk exclusively for the first 4 months. She continued to pump and nurse after that but had started to also use formula at times. She did a fabulous job! She is very proud of herself.  One thing she said to me a few weeks ago was that she thinks having her babies, and especially nursing Joey, has really made her feel so much closer to me. *tear**

Then she thanked me for hanging in there…… again……….

Support the mother, Support the mother, Support the mother most important of all!

And the Manga… Support the Manga! Most Manga’s want to to the best for you…

Show us how!

Supporting my Non-Breastfeeding Daughter-In-Law… Part One and a Half

This is a form of general response to some comments/ an “addendum” of more history or “back-story” type of intermission.  So I am calling it Part 1 & 1/2. Part II about the next pregnancy is in the works and coming later this week or next….

I am amazed and thrilled at the volume of interest this post has generated. I’m not a big blog by any means (usually getting on average 35 – 70) hits per day even when I don’t write anything. Now I have over 700 hits for 3 days in a row. For some of you that’s normal… not me. It makes me want to make sure I get this right. Make sure the correct points are being made. Without monkeying around…

Breastfeeding Baby Monkey

I LOVE Sadie. I love her like my daughter. She is a very smart, strong, independent, confident and outspoken young woman. She has a large group of friends to whom she is always supportive, a good listener and would do anything to try and help with all types of situations. These types of things make me respect her tremendously! My son had met her at a party once in college then re-met her a few years later when she was near graduation and he was … well….. a college drop-out party animal at age 23 recovering from knee surgery after a car accident. (** drops head with embarrassed grimace **)  Sadie.. I always say.. finished raising my son. She did NOT put up with any of his shit.  She is responsible for or part of the catalyst (besides the car accident) in encouraging my son to turn his life around. He is now a 32 yr old successful business owner.  They are very much in love. They still talk for hours every day and crack each other up all the time. Lots and lots of laughter and fun!

I am very happy that so many of you understood that I was (and still am) LEARNING the new roles of mother-in-law and grandma. This is a story of my feelings and emotions as I attempted to do the best job I could….. respecting and honoring that my son and his wife were indeed the decision makers as they became parents, helping Sadie understand that she was most certainly going to be respected and supported in her feeding choices……. and learning to let go. I’m glad many of you realized that I knew it wasn’t always appropriate to provide information and advice … but sometimes, because of the professional I am and how important I feel it is for all mother’s &  parents to make informed decisions….. I found it hard to not say something if only for their protection.  I hope you all realize that I am not pushy and try to always be supportive. But I’m human and I can screw up…  I should have asked first what they read or researched about it before talking. As a breastfeeding advocate and lactation professional, I know that it is in my grandchild’s best interest to be breastfed. I also know that it is NOT my decision. This is a story of my journey to deal with all that so close to home and on a personal level.

I wrote this post “Breastfeeding, Bottle Feeding and…. Somewhere In-between…. Why the Guilt?”  two years ago and another.. “**ROAR** on Breastfeeding Guilt “ a little while after. I have a hard time with people having guilt- thinking proper education for informed decisions will cause guilt- others making rude comments about someones choice making them have guilt- a personal guilt anyone has because they don’t feel they did “enough”…. I just have a hard time with all that. I had guilt thinking I went too far with the kids…. (Dave and Sadie). Never did I want Sadie to have guilt because of something I said, how I said it or perhaps acted. It was important to me that the guilt factor was eliminated. There are so many opinions out there and mommy wars and stupid stuff actually (IMHO). We need to be supporting each other. ALL MOTHERS AND BABIES SHOULD BE HONORED AND RESPECTED. We don’t know their story or reasons for any choices they are making.  Some of you have had painful experiences and I am sorry that happened to you. I hope you can move past the memory to be supportive to the next person you meet… even if it’s just a smile. 🙂   For “Mama of 2″…. Your MIL is sounding unbalanced and in need of a psych eval IMHO. Seriously inappropriate! I hope you can throw out her comments with the dishwater (what an old fashioned saying…) which reminds me of an old favorite cartoon: (LOL)

That being said about the feeding issues. I want to talk about parenting. All the years that I have been a nurse sending new parents home with their babies, it has been important  that they are empowered to become loving parents with their own style. I have always encouraged them to discuss things among themselves and decide just what that is. I encourage them to smile and nod at “Grandma” or “Aunt Sue” and do things their own way. I had this same discussion with Dave and Sadie at the very beginning of the pregnancy. It isn’t my place to raise their child or decide what type of discipline for any situation… My role is to fill in while babysitting and try for consistency on their plans. Not to make the plan…follow it.